You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
