I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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