im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
