I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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