I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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