things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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