Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
