just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
