I could make wine with my vomit
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
