Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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