My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
