I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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