im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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