You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
