Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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