Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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