Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
