i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
