I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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