some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
