did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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