I think i peed on brittanys purse
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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