She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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