three words: i give head
three words: not that well
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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