my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
