I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
