I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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