On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
