Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
