I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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