Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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