Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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