i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
3pm strippers are depressing
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
