I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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