there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
