My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
