I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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