Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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