Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
