conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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