Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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