i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
