note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
