you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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