Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
