quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
