i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
