don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
