i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
