Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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