my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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