I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
