chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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