I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
