im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
